ardis_yorke

So that's it.

2008-10-04T21:03:47Z

I'm right, yet again. But, of course, it's about something that I wish I wasn't right about. So...where do I go from here? I think that it's time that I stop depending on long-term friendships and relationships. I won't make anymore promises that I know I can't keep. It's strange...I'm disappointed, broken, and hurt, but I know that it's not the end.

Y'know what? It's time to move on. : ] I'll get through this, regardless of how much it hurts. I'll be okay.

Quizzeh, for fun

2008-09-24T23:25:55Z

1) Single, Taken, or Flirty
Taken.

2) Are you happy with that?
Yes.

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
No, thank God.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?
No.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Yeah.

8) Do you want children?
Not at the moment. Maybe that'll change in 10 years or so.

9) How Many?
N/A

10) Would you consider adoption?
Yes.

11) If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Yes. I'd be surprised and feel flattered. x)

12) Do you want someone you can't have?
...yeah.

13) Have you fallen in love?
I think so, yeah.

14) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Yeah.

15) Do you believe that you can change for someone?
Yes.

16) Is it a good day?
Eh....so-so.

17) Have you ever wished you could have someone but you couldn't?
Yes.

18) Have you ever broken a heart before?
I hope not.

19) What would you say to your most recent ex?
Probably just ask her how she's been. I don't have any classes with her.

20) How do you feel about your recent ex?
She's cute but I don't think that it would've worked out even if she hadn't dumped me after 3 months.

In other news, I have a crazy good idea for a story. At least, I consider it to be crazy good, which isn't often. >.> I hope to get around to writing it soon. :]

Kinda want to quit

2008-09-19T04:11:42Z

Be prepared for a rant that jumps around from place to place.

Society is fucked up. I went to the park tonight to cool off. I laid on a bench and looked at the stars. I could hardly see the stars. There's too much artificial lighting now. I envy anyone that can stand outside in the evening and see the stars perfectly because of no natural lighting. We've evolved into greedy bastards.

I'm not going to give anyone any comments on their artwork or their stories or anything, unless they've done the same for me. As previously mentioned in an earlier entry, I want comments on my work, good or bad. There are only two friends that know about this blog, and one of them is rarely online, so I know that I can't expect all of the people that don't know about this blog to read my mind. However, I feel that if I throw someone a comment about some art or whatever, it'd be nice to have something said about something I write. I'd like to know, more than anything, if it makes my reader feel anything. That's my ultimate goal, to make someone feel something. Even if my writing doesn't make someone feel anything, I'd still like a comment. It's just kindness.

Obviously, this means that you, Kayley, are on my good side. :] Thank you for being kind to me.

My friends are dicks that get on my nerves nearly every time that I'm with them. I don't like to be near them much anymore.

As a man that likes getting an occasional compliment, I'll go ahead and say this for the last time (hopefully): If you're referring to my physical looks, don't ever call me cute. Use pretty much any word other than cute, preferably something that carries a bit of respect with it, like handsome.

I know that I can order my burger without the tomatoes and pickles. Don't tell me. It's easier for me to order it with everything on it and just pick them off of my burger. If you have a problem with how I order my fucking hamburger, you can stick it up your ass and let it rot in there.

I don't listen to Slipknot, Metallica, Led Zeppelin, or a lot of other bands. I listen to Elton John, Elvis Perkins, Coheed and Cambria, Daft Punk, Jack Johnson, Adele, and others. I've probably heard of a lot of people's favorite bands, but wasn't impressed. Leave me alone about my relatively small music collection. I hear a band that I really like and I buy a CD to see how good they really are. I don't have a job, so I don't have a ton of money to spend on shitty music or seeing shitty movies. And you know what? I LIKE NOT HAVING A LOT OF MONEY. You greedy bastards want bigger houses with too much space, bigger and shinier new cars that look like shit, and fancier 'nicer' clothes that are ridiculously overpriced. It makes me sick.

In conclusion: I love what humans CAN BE. Humans can be intelligent, helpful, kindhearted, understanding, deep, friendly, and beautiful. I hate what most humans CHOOSE TO BE. Most humans choose to be greedy, gluttonous, infinitely unsatisfied, unfeeling, unaware, unintelligent, uninformed, liars that sneeringly treat their fellow man like dogs. I'm not perfect; I never will be. However, I'm at least trying to improve myself. I suggest that anyone that reads this tries to take a few minutes to slow down and appreciate how beautiful nature is without man screwing it up. You'll feel better.

We All Fall In Love Sometimes...

2008-07-17T21:00:11Z

We All Fall In Love Sometimes
Wise men say
It looks like rain today
It crackled on the speakers
And trickled down the sleepy subway trains
For heavy eyes could hardly hold us
Aching legs that often told us
It's all worth it
We all fall in love sometimes

The full moon's bright
And starlight filled the evening
We wrote it and I played it
Something happened it's so strange this feeling
Naive notions that were childish
Simple tunes that tried to hide it
But when it comes
We all fall in love sometimes

Did we, didn't we, should we couldn't we
I'm not sure `cause sometimes we're so blind
Struggling through the day
When even your best friend says
Don't you find
We all fall in love sometimes

And only passing time
Could kill the boredom we acquired
Running with the losers for a while
But our Empty Sky was filled with laughter
Just before the flood
Painting worried faces with a smile

Curtains
I used to know this old scarecrow
He was my song, my joy and sorrow
Cast alone between the furrows
Of a field no longer sown by anyone

I held a dandelion
That said the time had come
To leave upon the wind
Not to return
When summer burned the earth again

Cultivate the freshest flower
This garden ever grew
Beneath these branches
I once wrote such childish words for you

But that's okay
There's treasure children always seek to find
And just like us
You must have had
A once upon a time

My most recent dream

2008-07-17T03:13:03Z

Actually I had two dreams last night, both fairly short in retrospection.

In one dream I was walk across a small body of water, likely a small bay, from the mainland to a small island via a narrow strip of land a few inches beneath the surface. At first, I had my basset hound following me, but as I continued walking across the tiny water bridge, she faded from the dream and instead I had a small baby box turtle in my hands. (In real life, there's a baby box turtle roughly the size of a half-dollar in my backyard.) I finally reached the island and began walking along the beach. I ended up finding a house very near the beach with some gray-green car and my mother's van parked in the driveway. No, it wasn't my house.
This is where things begin to get fuzzy. I remember that the baby turtle bit my finger hard enough to bleed, so I set it down and washed my hand in the waves. The salt didn't sting the nick, since it was a dream. I lightly tapped the turtle on the head as a way to tell him to not do that again. I picked him up again and continued on. Not long after, I looked at the turtle and I was sure that it was dead. It wasn't moving so I set it down on the beach and I told my mother that I had accidentally killed it. She wasn't in my field of vision or near me, actually. Anyway, something happened (I can't for the life of me recall what) and I discovered that the baby turtle was still very much alive and had probably just been asleep. That's the end of that dream.

The details of the second dream elude me even more than those of the first one. Just a bit of background information first: before I went to bed, I read a little bit of Seymour: An Introduction by J.D. Salinger. It's a novella or maybe a long short story, being written by a man named Buddy Glass. He's writing his thoughts down about his brilliant brother, Seymour, who committed suicide at the age of 31. That's all I'm going to say about it though, otherwise I'll start talking about this and that and I'd completely forget writing about the second dream.

In the second dream, I was a child again, likely around the age of 10 or so. This dream was from a third-person perspective, rather than first-person. My name was Seymour, but I wasn't the character. That was simply my name. I lived in what felt like a poor village of some kind. I wore few clothes, and what clothes I did wear were rags. This was the case with everyone around me. Putting it simply, the area that the dream took place in was a slum. Shacks were built from old scraps of wood and metal, hardly good structure. They were all built in what felt like a sinkhole, or something like that. Everything was built in sloppy circles around a small lake or pond at the bottom/center of the sinkhole. In the dream, Seymour (me) had fallen into the lake or pond and was struggling to get out, possibly drowning. Suddenly the point of view flew through the air, not unlike the way a camera in a video game moves, and centered on a young skinny black girl of about the same age. She wore nothing other than a tunic than hung on her slender, but scrawny frame. The girl ran down the hill, deeper into the sinkhole, because no one else would help Seymour. Finally she reached the little wooden dock near where Seymour was flailing in the water and helped him out, pulling him onto the dock. Rather than applaud her for her bravery, the other people of the community yelled at her angrily. It was clearly because of her black skin. I don't recall what happened next. I think that she and I left the community area and went into a modern diner for something to eat. I don't remember anything after that.

So...the end?

On Writing

2008-04-14T02:19:55Z

In his book On Writing, Stephen King mentions that when he writes a story or novel, the first person that he usually talks to about it is his wife. In the book, he talks about how writers ought to have someone that they can show their work to without fear of being blatantly insulted, but rather receive honest thoughts and feelings about the story. I think that having at least one person that will review and critique your writing is very useful and fairly important if you want to improve at writing.

All that being said, I don't have someone like that. People occasionally read my stories (I know they do because I get views in my blog on myspace), but hardly anyone ever tells me that they read it or leaves a comment. The only person that is good enough to at least leave me a comment is Kayley. She's also the only person that even seems interested in what I write.

The reason that I'm kinda bitchy and whiny about this is because without a little bit of encouragement, I just don't feel like writing. I don't feel like my stories are that good if no one (aside from Kayley) will even leave a simple "good work!" kind of comment. This is particularly problematic when I have to write something for school, but I don't think that any of my ideas would end up being something interesting.

Look.
The point is that writers need a little encouragement every now and then. Tell us what we're doing write. Hell, you can tell us what we're doing wrong if you'll be fair and tactful about it. We like to know that someone, somewhere actually read something that came from our mind.

P.S.
Kayley, if you ever read this, thank you. You're pretty much my only reader that seems to care about my stories.

Day 5 (I think)

2008-03-19T06:05:23Z

I believe that today is Day 5 of Spring Break. I've done a horribly shitty job of posting daily. Woopsy. But, alas, I must digress; this post is not about what day of Spring Break this is.

Okay, so I believe that people are naturally inclined to do something or not based on how they were raised. For example, someone raised in a family that regularly does sporting activities of any kind is more likely to participate in those activities than someone who's not. Alright, I'm stating the obvious, but this all has a point. In my family, I was raised to (hopefully) be more intellectually aware. I've never been fishing, camping, hunting, skiing, or played on any sports team. Ever. Since I never did any of that growing up, I have no desire to start now. However, my girlfriend really loves fishing and she wants me to go fishing with her sometime. Here's where the problems begin. I don't want to go fishing. I have this thing about me that is afraid that if I suck at something then she'll lose respect and love for me. This applies to all kinds of things, such as dancing. Anyway, back to the topic.
Fishing. Yeah. I don't want to do it. I don't like killing animals, really. I don't like to or want to kill fish or mice or anything and see the dead animal after it's dead. PETA probably hates me for it, but I'd rather not know how my food is killed. As far as I know, cattle come pre-packaged as beef. I don't want to know where my food comes from. Like I said, I don't like killing most creatures that can move on their own. Because of this I don't want to fish or hunt. Maybe I'm just a fucking fruit, but I'd rather look at some fish or some deer instead of shooting or reeling it in. They don't know any better and they can't defend themselves. It's so damn depressing, no kidding.
The problem is that she's really serious and intent on getting me to go fishing. In all honesty, she'd have to put the bait on the hook for me and unhook the fish to throw it back if I caught anything. I'm a fucking pussy, alright? I'll admit it.

None of that stuff is me. It's just....not me. Sports, fishing, hunting, etc....none of that is me. I'd rather take a walk than hunt. I'd rather listen to some music than watch any sports game on TV. I'd rather read than fish. As I write this, I can smell her fragrance on my jacket and, let me tell you, it just feels right. I'm a lover, both of her and of nature. I can't hunt. It's just not in my make. God didn't bother to grace me with any natural instinct to shoot an animal or reel a fish in. Instead, I'm inclined to try and figure people out and enjoy life when I can.

Sigh....Maybe I'm just a toy that is broken and I need to get some new parts replaced. I don't think so though. I think I can fight it as much as I want, but that I'll end up being forced to do something that I really don't want to do.

Day 1

2008-03-16T05:02:51Z

Today is the first day of Spring Break (sorta). Technically, it's just the weekend, but I'm counting this as part of Spring Break, because it makes it seem longer. Ha.
I've heard about some tornadoes or some shit like that in Georgia, so I'm kinda worried about her. I wish she'd just magically get online and tell me that everything is fine, then say something cold or taunting to me like she does. It's our thing and I love it, really. We talk to each other, see how things are going, continue any long conversation, make fun of each other, etc.
Something that critics of online friendships don't understand is that sometimes online friends can bring out a wider range of emotions than physical, local friends can. One of the reasons that my #3 and #4 spots on Myspace are occupied by online friends is because I trust them with things I can't trust local people with. Those friends bring out the best in me sometimes when I talk to them and counsel them or just listen to what they have to say. That's just how it is.

Well, I'm going to head out for the night. I think I'll try to post once a day during Spring Break, bringing you any breaking news. So....yeah. Adios.

Newsy News

2008-03-14T04:29:59Z

I've been thinking lately (lately meaning "for the past 5 minutes") and I realized that my most recent posts are boring and excessively filled with teenage emotion and blahhhh. So, I think that over Spring Break (just one more day, whoooo!!!) I'll attempt to make a post or two that's actually somewhat interesting. If I'm unable to do that, then I'll at least attempt to let anyone that reads this into my life and mind a tiny bit. Hell, I might even toss a dash of humor (humour for all you European tarts) into my post(s) if I feel up to it.

Well, my eyes are dry and sore. Therefore, I'm going to bed.
So, until the next posting....au revoir. :D

Distance Decay

2008-03-09T19:49:39Z

In geography this year, I learned a new term: Distance Decay. According to Wikipedia, "The distance decay effect states that the interaction between two locales declines as the distance between them increases." When I learned about it, distance decay basically applied to groups of people or towns or whatever communicating less and less as distance increased. For example, when America was still being settled, the further two groups of people were from each other, the less they communicated with each other. This is pretty much just obvious and logical, actually.
These days, distance decay should happen a bit less with the rise of telephones, speedy transportation, and the Internet. Hell, distance decay is lessened with the advent of the mentioned factors. However, it still occurs, even between two individual people that haven't ever physically been together. It's kinda depressing. Ah well. Didn't think you were going to get a brief geography lesson, didja? ;]

It wouldn't be so bad...

2008-01-05T05:22:54Z

...if she at least pretended to feel bad about threatening something like that, if she at least pretended to care. She decided to go because "Ive bugged the shit outta you enough today." Is that what you call threatening to commit suicide? Bugging the shit outta me?

I don't know what to do. I just...don't want to put up with this anymore. I tried to help her and I tried to be her friend but...she keeps lying to me and shutting me out. What's the point of this friendship?

Currently...I'm debating about deleting her or not. I can't decide right now. I'll just wait til tomorrow. I'll give her one chance to fix things. One chance.

I'm Not Through...

2008-01-02T07:32:13Z

...with you yet, so stop trying to shove me out of your life. Whether you like it or not, you're part of my inspiration and so you're part of this saga. You're in every story, in some shape or form, you're in every action that propels the Character further to his final destiny. You've said, "You can put anything into words and make it sound incredible." Honestly, I don't know if you really meant that or if that was just said to get me to shut up. I wonder, because I realized that you and I are similar in yet another way: we're both manipulative and we both keep information from each other. I think that's how it always has been and...I'm afraid that that's always how it will be. Either way, I'm going to take that encouragement, false or not, and use it. I'm going to finish everything that I have to before the words inside of me threaten the life they belong to.

"With your last breath of air
As the Earth comes trembling down
Would you give her this last night
The love of your life"

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I've got a lot of questions, both for myself and for you. I dunno if I want to answer them or not. I guess I'm afraid, in a way. But I know that I'll have to face the facts sooner or later. I think that this time...this is going to be a slow process. I'll work by myself willingly. I'm tired of half-truths and gentle lies. I really don't want to let any of this go, but if I don't, I'm not sure that I'll be able to...ugh...I don't know. My mind isn't cooperating with my hands.

I can't find a good video of another song I'm thinking of...it reminds me of you, just because of the title. This is the best I can do. Ignore the video and just listen to the song. Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8hGXGyPD3U

Memories

2007-11-18T19:07:57Z

They remodeled HEB recently. It's fuckin huge now. Like wow, man, wow.
Anyway, their coffee aisle now has a wall of those little coffee bean dispenser things, where you can fill your own sack of whatever kind of coffee you want. It's a pretty neat thing.
Anywho, I picked up one of the spilled beans that no one gives a crap about and sniffed the fragrance. It smells wonderful. It has a hint of vanilla (I think) and a medium strength coffee scent. It brought back memories of when I was far younger and far more innocent. When I was a little kiddo and I'd go to Walmart with my mom, we'd always go down the aisle with the same kinds of coffee bean dispenser things. I'd steal a few stray beans and smell them because they had such a gentle but strong scent. I collected around 5 of those beans and kept them in a little tiny box. It was nice.
Today brought back memories of the lost childhood innocence. I don't really miss it a lot. It was nice while it lasted, but...oh well.

Ha....haha....hahaha....

2007-11-13T05:00:31Z

Last Request
by Paolo Nutini
Slow down, Lie down,
Remember it's just you and me.
Don't sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

[chorus:]
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time just go there,
Lay down beside me

Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

[chorus]

Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?

[chorus x2]

Yeah, lay down beside me.

One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

Fuckin Paolo Nutini....he's an asshole because he wrote a song that's depressing and I can identify with it completely. I foresee an ass kicking in his future.

But tonight, I am me

2007-10-02T04:24:17Z

Dunno about the title. I think it sounds cool. I'll be what others want me to be to make themselves happy during the day, but during the half hour or hour or so at night, I am me. Hm. I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about. Oh well.

I think some of the inspiration for my stories is starting to rebuild. I have some ideas that I'm toying with that I really like. The only problem is that I have writer's block with the story I'm on. It's not going to be too great, regardless of what I include into it. It kind of frustrates me that I want to get to these other parts in the plot, but I'm stuck on a section that is, compared to the other future stories, insignificant. Grawr. I need a few evenings to myself, free of homework, where I can just plow through this damned story and get into the better stuff. However, that's not likely to happen anytime soon. I guess I'll just get stuff done whenever I might be able to. Knowing me, that means I might get the next story out by...Christmas. lol Well, we'll see what happens.

Hey Jude

2007-09-29T04:45:16Z

That song is still stuck in my head after the Homecoming Parade last night. It's great being a hippie and getting do dance like a madman on a float in a parade in front of everyone. Yeah. Sucking in helium after the parade was fun too. Makes my voice sound all funny and stuff.

Anyway, there's a point to this post.
This weekend is going to suck. I'm going out of town and I won't be back until sometime on Sunday. Then, when I get home, I'll have to go to church from 4:30 to 8. After that, I'll have a buttload of homework. So, I'm not going to do hardly any socializing at all this weekend. *sigh* I hate being close to overworked. I hate having to go to church extra early for stuff I don't remotely enjoy. The Youth is doing an annual event called Soul Survivor that lasts for like...6 weekends or something. I pretty much hate it because a lot of it is about outdoing the other team and being flashy and stuff. The other people enjoy it though, so I won't object openly. I just hate having to fake enthusiasm and stuff. I don't really have much fun at church. The topics that we talk about during class aren't usually thought-provoking. When they are, it's always really quiet and somewhat awkward, because I don't think hardly any of the Youth actually think on a deep level. Multiple times, it's been me that breaks the silence and contributes something realistic. If the Youth Pastor asks a question, most people in class will just say something standard, like, "prayer" or "by studying the Bible". However, when we have discussion about things that involve things other than just "textbook answers" (textbook being the Bible in this case), they tend to be at a loss for words. If we talk about teen pregnancy and about what guys should do if they found out the girl they're with is pregnant, the guys in class might just say, "stay with her". At that point I have to be cynical and realistic and say, "Well, that's all fine and dandy. But I'm 90% positive that there isn't a guy in here that wouldn't seriously think about running away for at least 5 minutes. I know I would. We're human, we're going to have those thoughts. Maybe one guy out of every 100 might not even consider having those thoughts, but I don't think any of us in here are one of those wonderful few."

Needless to say, it's aggravating sometimes but I at least enjoy the mental stimulation. I don't like the Soul Survivor thing though. Like I said, it just seems to be about being as loud and flashy as possible (in the name of God, of course). It's pretty much a hell for me since it eats up so much of my precious time to get homework done and I have to listen to people shouting at the top of their lungs. They aren't bad people. I just can't really identify with them. Believe it or not, I have no major desire to drink or do drugs, and it's not likely that I'll have sex anytime soon. Those lessons don't do anything for me. Sorry, Mr. Youth Pastor.

Man...life can really be a drag at times. I'll try to write about my weekend when I get back, if I feel like it and if I can find time. I'm going to bed. Later.

soo.......

2007-09-24T22:48:49Z

I haven't updated this in about 3 weeks. o.o

News...um....There's a ton I could say, but I don't feel like spending much time pouring out my soul right now. Soul pouring takes a lot of effort. I'll just say a few basic things.

I'm pretty much overworked. Homework every single night that tends to take a few hours. Nooot fun. I only have about 2, maybe 3 hours to be online a day which pretty much sucks. I don't think I'm even learning too much either. I'm pretty sure that this is most definitely going to be one of my most difficult years in terms of work and all. I'm only about a month in and I'm pretty close to being exhausted. I wish I could have more time to sleep and read. I'm wanting to read every night and I do, but at the expense of anywhere from half an hour to an hour of sleep. It pretty much sucks. I hate to say it, but I think I'm going to have to buckle down and...ugh...study. I've hardly ever had to study before this year, but if I want to keep A averages in most of my classes, I know that I'll have to study. hell.

I've also had a bit of a lack of affection, both cyber or physical. I'm a lonely boring guy. Love me. T.T
I love LA, of course, but I feel the desire to have a girlfriend that lives here to satisfy these affectionate urges of mine. However, I know that that won't happen. I'm having enough trouble keeping up with homework. How would I be able to go on dates and crap? Besides, I don't think I'd be able to go out with a girl because I know that she'd pretty much just be 2nd to LA and I'd feel guilty about that. It's a shame that girls here aren't into being friends with benefits. Hell, I'd still feel guilty. -_- Grawr. I'll just try to ignore those desires and stick with homework and hope and pray that I'll find some inspiration (and time) to finish my next story. I'm afraid that I might've fallen into a major slump that might end up kicking me in the ass and leaving my series unfinished. I pray not.

Well, I'm going to go drink some sweet iced tea because I'm a Southerner. I also have Cherry Pop-Tarts. Be jealous. Later.

The Truth

2007-09-03T07:14:00Z

These are truths as they have been understood by me:
The inner struggle for control of my mind and heart continues. That is the truth.
The two sides will meet symbolically to further fight for struggle. I know which side will win in the symbolic tale, but I don't know about the real life struggle. That is the truth.
Time presents unexpected weakening. That is the truth.
The Character and the Writer are one, but not the same. That is the truth.
Fear and paranoia regarding those you love are strong emotions. That is the truth.
I wonder many things. That is the truth.
I miss her. That is the truth.
The sky will crack but he will find his way back. That is the truth.
I am able to love on multiple levels. That is the truth and I will never apologize for it.
I have no one to hold me but myself. That is the truth.
The smooth one can trick them all, but the jealous man can see through the tricks with disgusted ease. That is the truth.
I do not deserve many of the things I have. That is the truth.
I don't know if I should allow myself sleep. That is the truth.
God Only Knows what I'd be without any of you. That is the truth.
I want the truth to either confirm or ease my fears. That is also the truth.
Sex can be something that's not just physical. That is the truth.
Toss me away, if you must. Don't let me question myself in fear. There's not much worse than leaving my mind to invent it's own thoughts and theories. That is the truth.

LA, please hurry back soon. I can't remember the last time we had a good, long talk about....anything. You apparently were unable to prove to your father that you're responsible enough. I want more time with you and I'll take whatever I'm given. And that is the truth.

mini rant

2007-08-12T04:17:30Z

Went to a baseball game with the old man tonight. Boring game. I hated it. There were three rednecks behind us, a guy, his wife and their adult son (I think). The dad (or maybe he was a son/brother of the lady. you never know.) talked almost constantly. He'd say "shut up" frequently, both to himself and to the other two. Also, he repeatedly would shout "hey-yo!". The son (or uncle/grandfather/brother-in-law) would do the same thing. The dad also had one of the most stupid laughs I've ever heard. It just shouted "I'm a dipshit! Hyuck hyuck hyuck!". Between innings, when some of the ballpark employees were shooting T-shirts into the stands with a T-shirt cannon and one of rednecks almost spilled his beer on me. If he had, I would've done everything I could've to beat his ass. -_- Damn morons.

One other mini-rant before I wrap this up. What's with those ugly ass plaid shorts? A lot of the preppy people and jocks are starting to wear them and I have no idea why. They're some of the ugliest things ever. If they were worn as boxers, under the clothes, that'd be fine, because then I wouldn't have to see that ugly shit. I don't have ANY idea how anyone can think it's cool to wear those shorts! What's worse is when the jocks wear their cap, polo shirt, the plaid shorts that expose their hairless legs, and then flip-flops that show their feet, which are either grody and hairy (for the big jocks) or little and effeminate (for the little jocks). Good God! How is THAT fashionable? I don't really care how I look, but I don't dress like a retarded clown!

I can read something on those shorts! *squints* It says, "I'm...a....dipshit." Ah. Figures.

I hear that Colorado is rather nice

2007-08-11T04:43:46Z

I wanna move. T.T My parents are starting to bicker behind each other's backs again and school hasn't even started (they're both teachers, btw). There's been a sudden rush of healthier food that doesn't taste amazing, but isn't horrible.

1. Sugar-free, slow-churned ice cream.
....what the fuck?! sugar-free, so it has little taste. slow-churned? That supposedly makes it richer and creamier. -_- I realize that there are some people that are really picky about that sort of shit, but I'm not one of them. I just want to get good ol' Blue Bell ice cream. Damn that's good. I'd also like to get those lil pints of Ben & Jerry's every now and then.

2. Whole wheat breads
Ugh. The crust just tastes nasty! Looking at our counter, we have whole wheat rolls, whole wheat hot dog buns, whole wheat bread (like for sandwiches), and whole wheat English muffins (which tend to taste terrible no matter what kinda bread they're made out of). We've also had a lot of whole wheat noodles, which are tough and flavorless. Ugh!

3. Tasteless meats
We don't eat a lot of beef in this house. Often, we just substitute beef with turkey or some crazy blend of turkey, beef, chicken, horse, and pigeon. Sorry to break this to you, but turkey burritos are weird. -_- I don't mind having chicken, because it can easily be flavored, unlike turkey. I also don't mind fish. Hell, I love fish. As long as it has some kind of flavor, I'm cool with fish. LA, if we ever live together for ANY reason, make fish once a week, please. x.x

Damn fat parents. -.- I wanna move, definitely. If it were up to me, I'd catch a plane over to Georgia and try to get a job there or something. I have my reasons. *cough cough*

Oh, and a random lil factoid: I kinda like washing dishes. Sure, the water is hot and makes my hands pruny. The Dawn dish soap makes my hands feel all gritty, yeah. But it gives me time to think without being too heavily distracted. o.o I'm a weird one, yep. :D

Well, I'm gonna go make some tea before the lack of LA living near me gives me a mini-headache. o.o

"Behind every great man...

2007-08-10T22:25:57Z

...is a woman rolling her eyes."
Ain't that the truth?

Just finished watching Bruce Almighty for the 7th time or so and that was one of the things Bruce said at the end of the movie when he was reporting at the blood drive. That's such a damn good movie, in my opinion. It has humor, but it also has a moral to it. Morgan Freeman was the absolute perfect choice to play God and the way the writers portrayed God, humorous,smart-alecky, and patient, was excellent. Makes me hope God really is like that. I liked the message that God gave Bruce: that some people always ask God for everything, but they don't realize that they can make a difference without asking for His help for everything. I agree with that. It's cool to pray a lot and ask Him for help, but we should also try to solve our problems ourselves too. The overall message is that if you want to see a miracle, "be the miracle". Ah.....good stuff. :]

Last night

2007-08-05T13:01:15Z

Was pure fucking hell. Constant nightmares, couldn't get comfortable in bed, horrible body temp. I'll elaborate later when I get home from church.

EDIT (now that I'm home)
I only got about 4 hours of sleep, if you can call it that. I had several things on my mind right before I fell asleep, which prompted the nightmares. I'm almost positive that there wasn't even 5 minutes where I wasn't dreaming of something. I'd dream for a bit, then wake up for maybe a minute, find a new position and try to go back to sleep. I would and the nightmares continued. I thought of killing myself numerous times, anything to get the nightmares to stop. At one point, I tried to shoot myself with a gun, which just turned out to be my hand. Another time, I tried to slit my throat with a razor blade that wasn't there. I'm afraid that the dreams will continue tonight. I won't go to bed for a while. anything is better than those dreams.

Let's all burn in eternal helllfire! :D

2007-08-03T02:48:00Z

Random ranty thing. Yeah.
Okay, so I'm tired of seeing those bulletins on myspace, where the subject is something like " top 8 prettiest!". Then when you click it to read it, you get
"Repost this in 5 mins If you Truly Love GOD.
Then a miracle will happen tonight at 12.

{P.S. dont ignore.}

+--You never know when God is testing YOU--+

repost as Top 8 PRETTIEST"

I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. First of all, they're promising you a miracle, which is very unlikely to happen to everyone that reposts it. Second, I'm a Christian and I believe in God, but I highly doubt that He's going to throw me into eternal hellfire for not copying and pasting a bulletin that tries to give you a guilt trip if you don't repost it. Those bulletins sound like the product of the Christians that think they're superior to others and want to rub it in people's faces. Gah. I'm not going to repost those bulletins, probably ever. I don't think that that's God's way of testing my faith. I personally doubt that God spends His day on Myspace (everyone is on his friends list), watching to see if people will repost that kind of bulletin. I personally doubt that He'd be like:
"Oh my...James didn't repost the bulletin. What...a....blasphemer! St. Peter!"
*St. Peter walks into the room*
"Put James down on that burn in hell forever and ever list! He didn't repost a bulletin on Myspace!"
*St. Peter writes my name down and leaves the room*
"That'll show that little heathen..."

Get real. Your guilt trips aren't going to work on me. Maybe it works on other people that would follow anything ANY person in a position of authority in the church said, but I'm not one of them. Don't like it? Get over it.

And my noose loosens ever so slightly...

2007-07-24T18:28:13Z

I'm talking to Kayley on the phone right now. I've done a lot of thinking (no shit, huh?) and I think what she told me will be for the best. I don't know what I want anymore. We're still friends but not in that way. I think I might go move her down a spot or two on myspace top friends. I doubt she'll mind. It sounds like something she'd suggest. I dunno. I do know that reading the 7th Harry Potter book has helped to keep my mind occupied so I won't think about what happened as much.

Here's the thing: I trusted her with my heart and feelings. She cracked that trust. The reason that I don't talk much when we're talking on the phone is because I'm afraid of slipping up and hurting her again or that she'll hurt me again. So I'm sorry, Kayley, but you've damaged that trust. I don't want to guilt you, so don't feel that please.

I do know that I want to get rid of all my energy somehow. Smash windows with a sledge hammer, hack up trees with my machete, break windows with my fist. I have a buildup of both negative and positive energy and I want to get rid of it. It kinda sucks.

Above all though, I miss my friend LA. I still don't know as much about her as I wish I did, but that's my fault. I want to talk to her again, but she's continuing with her life. I'm glad to hear that. ^^ I just hope that she'll be around again in a few weeks, hopefully earlier.

My thoughts are scattered. *sigh*

And the noose is tightening...

2007-07-21T21:31:37Z

Her name is Kayley. I don't know what it is that she wants anymore. As I mentioned in my last entry, we tried talking a little yesterday, but I couldn't take it. Her closest friend knows what's going on now, and her friend is on her side. That's alright, I understand. What bothers me a little is that her friend doesn't seem to even consider giving me a chance. I hurt Kayley before and since then, her friend doesn't trust or like me, Kayley is afraid I'll hurt her again and I'm feeling choked. Kayley's friend has been in a relationship with a guy for 4 years, so it's apparently perfect. I think that Kayley may look at them and think that that's how relationships have to be. That's just a guess though. The thing is that they aren't. Even true love relationships have problems because we, as humans, are imperfect. I'm not dissing her friend's relationship with her bf, honest. I just feel that Kayley shouldn't shut herself from me for fear of being hurt, because that's going to happen. I know it will. I'm not a great bf and I probably never will be, but I at least want a chance to improve with her. Hold on to your seats folks, because I'm about to tell you a fact that's going to rock your fucking mind: every relationship, good or bad, has problems. Every couple will bicker and have at least one fight in their relationship. It happens. That's when you take a step back, try to put your emotions and pride aside and apologize and try to make things better, try to strengthen your relationship. That's how it works. You know how you build muscles and get stronger? By tearing the muscles and causing pain. It hurts and it's not fun, but you become stronger because of it. I don't want to hurt Kayley, but I know that I'm going to say something stupid every so often. I'm human and I'm a guy. I will make mistakes and hopefully learn from those mistakes. I just need a little patience now and then.

Right now, I'm still healing from what felt like being dumped or rejected. I need time before I can go back to being chipper and happy (chipper? wtf?). I'm glad to know that Kayley is already happy again though. ^^

I don't know if I'll ever show this to Kayley or not. I still have to mull that over in my mind. If I do, then know this, Kayley: I love you. I don't care if I'm supposed to say it or not, but I do fuck dammit. I don't want to feel like the bad guy anymore and I want to make things better. I don't think I should feel guilty the way I am right now. I feel like I've done something wrong, but for once in my life, I know I didn't do anything wrong these past few days. I haven't cussed you out, called you names, or hated you. Maybe this will sound selfish but...I'd at least like a little credit for that. But then again, you might not ever see this.